A Heart that grows to love

My first Buddhist meeting in the realm of the warm Soka atmosphere sealed my heart of faith forever. It was a unique model of human harmony. I sensed genuine warmth and heartfelt compassion in the hearts of those gathered that day. I knew, I wanted to be part of this. Something churned within and I felt the sun of hope rising in my heart. When the sun shines, darkness is dispelled. Likewise, Faith became the invigorating, guiding life force to dispel darkness in my life. I took to it like fish takes to water.

This was a simple philosophy of humanism – the crux of it lying in the concept of ‘human revolution’ or self-transformation which begins from respecting each individual for who and what they are. Now this is easier said than done. But this is like returning to the basics. Thus began my inner journey, certainly an uphill task – respecting someone I had come to despise. It was (and still is) a daily struggle battling my inner negativities. But this is what it is about – defeating the demon within.

With time and practice this became a lot simpler to the point where my hatred gradually melted and turned to compassion. I could forgive and move on – it felt as if a huge burden had lifted off my heart. For the first time I felt an awakening to my ‘higher self’ breaking the shackles of my limited, self centred, egoistic ‘lower self’. It was a joyful feeling, one that I cannot express in words. The poison of hatred slowly turned to the medicine of love. My heart grew and expanded. It learnt to love more and hate less. Within my heart I could encompass those I had left out earlier. This was the first hurdle that I had crossed.

The next very important lesson that I learnt in my journey of faith, is to take responsibility for everything in my life – the good and the bad. Human beings are complex creatures. We like to take credit for all the good things in life but blame it on someone else for everything that goes wrong. This is a convenient option because then we don’t have to work on ourselves; an escapist route to say the least. This tendency starts at an early stage and then goes unchecked – I did well in my maths test because I studied very hard; I didn’t do well this time because the teacher finished the syllabus in a hurry and didn’t explain well. (Not because I didn’t study hard enough) Sometimes we don’t even own up our mistakes to ourselves. It is not about owning it up to others.

I was blaming my unhappiness on someone else and of course taking credit for everything that was going well (my education and career). Faith gave me a clearer perspective. I self-reflected and realised that I had to take up responsibility for everything that I was facing. This realisation brought with it a great sense of empowerment. Now I didn’t have to be at the mercy of external Gods. I had to mend myself to mend my situation; Simple formula which is not so easy to apply, but guarantees victory, happiness or whatever you might like to call it in the end. Earlier, I would wallow in self-pity and grief. Now I felt empowered and liberated. The change in my heart never failed to reflect in other people’s behaviour.

This wasn’t a solitary struggle. I had friends who stood by like a pillar of support all along. They were by my side to encourage every time I failed. They renewed my conviction in myself every time I began to doubt my own potential. These people I refer to as ‘friends’ are my fellow members in the organisation (Soka Gakkai: http://www.bharatsokagakkai.org/) they became friends much later. Initially they were complete strangers who would call once in a while, drop by to my place sometimes and offer words of encouragement. They gave me a patient hearing, a pat on the back and guidance from the point of view of faith. They were ordinary people racing against time, juggling between their many responsibilities. They had demanding jobs, families to take care of and their own set of challenges and problems. But they never failed to show up when I needed them. In fact they were there even before I could call them. Their smiling faces reassured me. I was touched by their love, care and concern. I looked forward to being in their company.

In spite of their goodness, I was doubtful of their intentions at first. A whole volley of questions was at the back of my mind - why were these strangers being so nice to me? What did they stand to gain by giving so much of their valuable time to me? Why were they doing this? For themselves? For me? For who? I needed these answers to trust them completely so I asked directly.

And this is what one of my ‘friend’ said: “I am doing this for you and for myself.  For you because I want you to be happy; for myself, because making you happy, brings back happiness in my life. “I don’t think I could fathom what she said at that point. I didn’t have the heart to grasp its full meaning. I was just impressed by the high sounding words. It sounded cool. As I became regular with the meetings, my understanding of the faith deepened.   Slowly I found myself changing. I had come out of my shell. My interaction with so many people opened up my heart. Now I could look beyond my personal problems which seemed to overpower me till now. I wanted to extend a helping hand to those suffering around. I did that. The few words of encouragement that I offered a friend helped her turn around her life. And it brought back immeasurable joy in my life. I felt on top of the world and extremely happy. Happiness of the kind I had never experienced before; Happiness that came when my heart grew to love more and hate less.

Journey of Faith

Jiro Abe, a well known Japanese philosopher asserted: “The greatest source of strength in any situation is philosophy.”

I couldn’t agree more with the gentleman. I was extremely blessed and fortunate to fall back on philosophy in the darkest phase of my life. The timing was just so perfect. It gave me a solid foundation and pulled me out of the suffering I was going through. My life took on a whole new dimension – I became happy once again. Earlier my happiness came from people and things around. Now I learnt to find it within and therefore it hasn’t faded away. Each day I wake up to find myself happy and ready to take on the challenges I face.  It has been a whole new process of self discovery. Bit by bit I tapped into the reservoir of courage and wisdom inside me. I found the answers I’d been looking for and then it felt as if the world is my stage.

Like with most things that take a while for me to get my heart and soul into, this new journey of faith was no different. The start was slow with the initial hiccups. But somehow I kept at it because what it gave me was immeasurable hope and courage.

Every time I chanted (Nam myoho renge kyo) I felt refreshed and rejuvenated like having found a new lease of life. I am reminded of an example my friend once cited to me in relation to this. He said that you might have the perfect recipe for an ice cream but unless you have had one on a hot summer afternoon you would never really know the pleasure of licking into one. Knowing the recipe is one thing and the experience of licking into one is quite another. It is much like that with faith too. The joy can be derived only after putting it into practice.

I am glad I gave myself the chance to experience it because there has been no looking back since then. After six months of dilly-dallying I finally took the next step in faith - My cousin told me that Buddhist meetings are held at weekends; at member’s homes and that I must attend one of those.  I didn’t go for it out of sheer laziness. Finally one day an unknown number flashed on my mobile. I took the call and a cheerful and happy voice responded on the other side. “Is this Shruti? Hi my name is Ajanta. I’d like to come and visit you sometime today and invite you to our big Buddhism meeting tomorrow” or some such thing she said. (Allow me to make errors in giving the accurate details of the conversation as I am trying to recall something that happened 6 years ago.) A few minutes later the doorbell rang and I rushed to open the door. In the few minutes of conversation that followed with Ajanta, before she handed me the invite, I couldn’t help but notice two things about her: One was her radiant face beaming with joy and the second was that her mobile rang too often with someone at the other end inquiring about preparation details for the meeting the next day. I thought to myself that this must be something big. Ajanta’s sincerity and youthful vigour touched my heart. I decided to go and take a look.

The day of the meeting was a hot Sunday afternoon. For a moment I was tempted to drop the idea of going there. Had I been alone I surely would not have gone but I was going with a friend who insisted I come along. With a mind full of questions and expectations Shivani and I hopped into an auto rickshaw and headed to the IPC hall in Hauz Khas Enclave. That was the venue for this meeting as it would be a larger gathering this time I was told. It wasn’t much of a struggle finding the place as a colourful festoon saying ‘Chapter level Youth Division Meeting’ hung outside. The two words ‘Youth division’ made me smile because I belonged to that category back then and it meant that the evening would be ‘youthful’ and not a boring one.  That relieved my anticipation of a lecture kind of evening.

Two boys dressed in formals directed the flow of traffic outside the gate so that it wouldn’t cause inconvenience to others. As we entered the gate, unfamiliar faces greeted us with a warm smile. A lot of them seemed to know each other as they exchanged hugs and pleasantries. It was a warm happy atmosphere and instantly Shivani and I felt relaxed. Before being escorted to the auditorium we were asked to write our names in the guestbook. Everything happened in an organised systematic manner. People waited their turn at the cue without any fuss. That created a positive first impression for me.

The auditorium was huge with a capacity for about 300 people. Till then I had no idea that such a beautiful auditorium was cosily tucked away in the heart of the capital. There was something nice about the personality of the space itself. A cleanliness freak that I am the first thing that caught my eye was that everything around was spotlessly clean – white exterior of the building, well manicured lawns outside the auditorium, the carpeted auditorium and youngsters clad casually in jeans and tee hurriedly finishing the last bit of vacuum cleaning left.  

We had reached early and therefore got a chance to see all the last minute preparations. I spotted Ajanta in the distance. She hurriedly came running towards us with a group of youngsters and introduced us to her sister Ellora and the others with her. It never felt like we were meeting for the first time. The liking was instant and I felt part of this big family. She signalled us to take a seat in the front.

With still a few minutes to go before the start of the programme we exchanged few words with those sitting around. Some said they were new and I was surprised to overhear a young lad telling his friend that he had been practising for ten years. Judging by his appearance I was taken aback because he had the quirkiest hairstyle and seemed to be all of 16. He didn’t convey the impression of being someone who followed faith seriously. (And did he start at 6?) He was bluffing for sure. With this monologue in my mind I turned to give him an inquisitive glance. He almost seemed to read my mind and blurt out – “u bet”. I turned back embarrassed only to be relieved as the lights were dimmed at this point.

What followed in the next one and a half hour or so proved to be a huge turning point in my life - It sparked my commitment to faith forever. The programme started with a cultural section where there was song and dance followed by a presentation all of which gave a deeper insight into the philosophy. It was well rehearsed as the performances were flawless. (I wondered when they must have found time to put up a show like this as all of them must have been students)

Then 3-4 girls and boys in their teenage shared real life accounts of their struggle in life and how they had been able to overcome their problems through faith. For the first time I had heard personal stories being shared at a public forum which left an indelible impression on my mind. I was inspired and motivated. The accounts I heard were not very different from what I was going through. I heard a few sobs around as I was moved to tears myself.

Every experience shared that day was a unique story of self transformation. It takes a lot of courage to stand up before a room full of people and admit our own shortcomings. They were ordinary stories - of someone overcoming their ego to restore a loving relationship; someone standing up like a pillar of support for the entire family when times were tough; someone overcoming the suffering resulting from a serious illness. And yet these ordinary accounts became the most extraordinary stories for me. The teller of these stories became heroes in my eyes and for many others whom they inspired. I marvelled at their courage and sincerity. I promised myself that if they could win so can I.

 As the evening drew to a close I had experienced a whole gamut of emotions. But the one that stayed with me was a new found determination within; Determination to win in my life and polish my heart of faith.

(P.S - I didn’t have a camera with me that evening to record the incidents. This write up is also to chronicle the events of that memorable day for safekeeping. It is also to express my gratitude to all those who find their names here. If I hadn’t met each one of you, life wouldn’t be the same. So a big thank you. )

Leap of Faith

I decided to venture into Blog writing just to keep my creative juices flowing; having said that the next question running through my mind was what on earth was I going to write about. I need to start somewhere, take the first step and then gradually it would become easier, I reassured myself. I thought hard and long enough trying to draw inspiration from things around:  nature to start with, my family and a whole lot of other things with no luck.

Then I paused and went into flashback mode reliving thoughts of my memorable childhood to adolescence and then the last decade of my life (20’s-30’s) which has particularly been very eventful. And the longer I thought about it I realised that events that happened over the past 10 years in my life have had a major influence on me. All of that put together has really shaped me into the person that I am today. We are all a product of our own unique experiences. I looked within and pulled out a few incidents that will hopefully inspire those who read it. For starters I learnt that sometimes you can be your own inspiration. If you expect to hear extraordinary stories of heroic feats achieved by me or of medals won and accolades gathered then you will be disappointed because (that hasn’t really happened) what follows is the ordinary story of an ordinary girl who has suffered a little, laughed a lot and learnt some important lessons in life through the journey of faith.

I have been fortunate enough to form my own opinion and viewpoint related to matters of faith. I say this because a lot of people don’t get that liberty. Thankfully I wasn’t pushed into following anything that I desired not to. In fact a lot of decisions in my life have been made out of choice and not by force. One of the important decisions I made was my choice of faith which would help me lead a happy and fulfilling life.

The clearest memory I have of myself turning to prayer was when I had gone for a school trip to Shillong in Grade 4. I was on my own for the first time, away from home with a bunch of about 40 girls from school most of whom I didn’t know. After a great trip we were on our way back to Bagdogra from where we would take the evening flight back home. The bus came to a hault as there was a major landslide (with possibility of recurrence) which had blocked the roads and would take a few hours to clear. I was nervous and scared and tried to fight back tears that welled up. All sorts of thoughts mostly negative raced through my mind the greatest one being what if I never reached home safely. There was little I could do except  pray for the path to clear and for us to reach the airport in time. In desperation I pulled out my Hanuman Chalisa and frantically started reciting the verses in my mind till we made it to the airport. And with sheer luck we were just in time to catch our flight back home. At that point I turned to prayer when faced with the fear of death and anxiety of not being able to see my loved ones ever again. That incident did not make me overly religious and diligent in my prayer however. I still turned to God only when I was scared or needed something.

And then a few years down the line I decided to create some space in my room and set up a prayer area. I placed a few framed photographs of my favourite Gods  - Lord Ganesh, Hanuman and Shiva I think it was. Every morning I would make a paste of vermilion and apply it to them, decorate with flowers, light an incense stick and then the final arti followed by distribution of prasaad. I think I enjoyed this whole ritualistic procedure but it didn’t help change my equation with God. This didn’t last for too long either. I was off to a boarding school. Priorities changed, pressure of academics gave me an excuse and faith took a backseat in my life. Life was smooth sailing. Everything under the sun was bright and cheerful for me. I got everything I wanted without asking for it and therefore I hardly ever offered prayers for a long time (not even in gratitude). In any case up until then Faith and prayer was self centred and need based and I would indulge myself only if I felt like it.

The turn of the millennium saw a great many turns in my life too. To start with I moved to Delhi, a city I prayed I would never have to live in. But as things turned out that was where I spent the next seven years of my life. In hindsight those were the crucial years of my life. Straight out of school which was like a dreamland I found myself surrounded by challenges I had never faced before; the challenge of adjusting to a new city, a new way of life. And then the biggest one thrown at me – overcoming human suffering and all the complexities involved. Till then I had not known what it means to be in conflict with another person. Relationships of all sorts I had formed till then had no elements of negativity. And now I was confronted with a relationship which became the cause of grief and suffering in my life. It was a huge reality check for me. For the first time I realised that life is not a leaf out of a fairy tale. Sooner or later we have to face the onslaughts of karma. (which in my case happened a tad too early and I am glad at that)

And naturally to cope with it I resumed my journey in faith. I started by striking a deal with God and fixing an appointment with him every Tuesday. I would visit the temple and pray for things to sort themselves out. No matter what I did nothing offered me solace and I felt miserable as the days went by. I experienced a whole range of emotions I thought could never exist in me – anger, bitterness and hatred. All of it was directed at one person. Of course I blamed the other person for everything that was happening in my life. But that didn’t help me overcome my own grief. What was going to help me deal with this? Groping in the dark I did see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In a casual chat with a dear cousin of mine who was aware of what I was going through, she introduced the words Nam Myoho Renge Kyo to me. She said chant this aloud and everything will be okay. That is all she said. I stared at her face with disbelief. Quite new to the whole philosophy herself, she did not give out any more details. I did not give it importance and forgot about it. But humbled by my own set of challenges which seemed to never end I decided to give it a shot. If someone is drowning in the ocean and suddenly sees a boat coming towards him or her the first reaction would be to get into it without worrying about where it is heading. My position was just like that.

Thus began my new journey in faith. Chanting of these words had a calming effect on me. As I delved deeper I found that there was a whole new philosophy (that of Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism) for me to discover but I had to take a leap of faith into an unknown territory. I made up my mind and decided to take the plunge. I found the answers I was looking for and the realm of faith opened up before my eyes to nourish and enhance every aspect of my life.